Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”

The other says, “Are you sure?”

The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive...”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.